Nanda kumara ....

I am listening to my usual playlist and debugging some 10 year old code - and a thought thats not well formed comes to my mind- and I involuntarily google for Aalavandhan. I never liked that movie - when I watched it 10 years ago. But now with a little more understanding of life and a little more tolerance for the reality of that life, I may actually like it. I remember how awesome the lyrics of all the sings in that movie were- Kadavul pathi mirugam pathi, African Kattupuli, Puruppo etc. Raveena Tandon was stunning - expect for her dubbing voice that totally didn't sync with her acting.

My all time favorite line that I comes to my mind every time I shed a drop of tear in hopelessness.

Nanda kumara nanda kumara - malai neer suthadu theriyatha ; Kannam valigira kaneer thuli than venner thuli yena arivaya;

He dances in the rain and sings how cold the water drops are - and suddenly he feels a couple of water drops down his cheek, that are warm - and he realizes that they are his tears!

Kalakitinga Kamal!!!

What happens if ...

you don't like the people you are supposed to like? you don't feel like talking to the people you are supposed to talk? can't do the things you are supposed to do?

Is it because every question had a "supposed to" in it? What if there are no rules - just you and how you feel! But there are others and how they feel! Result - Chaos and misunderstanding!

But what if you don't like to do they things you really like - or at least you think you like? Does that mean you don't like it anymore? Where and when did the disconnect between the mind and heart come?

Can you feel what you really feel? When did logic and rationality completely fall apart? When did you start enjoying loneliness?

How is it that some can live totally accordingly to the rules? Makes you want to live by the rules too - but will that make me happy? Maybe. Maybe not. But I hate them. Hate when they show off how perfect their life is. makes you wonder if they are just ignorant or decided to act and tell themselves how perfect their life is. Either way, do I want to be ignorant or do I want to act as if everything was perfect. Can they ever be? If they are, is it perfect anymore?

Ellame arai-kurai

There are so many things I have tried in my life. But I have not stuck to anything till the end. I did paintings for like 10 years. Now I dont even feel like holding a brush. I took piano classes for over a year. I still like it when I can sit and play - but I judt don't do it. I took swimming classes and I totally enjoy swimming but I wouldn't just drag myself to the pool. I love cooking but there days (many of them) when I dont want to go to the kitchen. My new addiction is to plan vacations that never happens - for reasons ranging from no time all the way to civil unrest in the countries we planned to go! Now thats a sign.

I just feel brain dead. Like there is nothing to do! What do people do - like everyday?

Why do you wake up in the morning?

For a long time now, I have been struggling to wake up early in the morning. I recently realized I have no reason to wake up early. There is nothing to do even if I wake up early in the morning :( Lunch is packed on the previous day after dinner (if we cook). I cannot exercise yet, thanks to my injury. I am not expected at work until 10:00PM. What do I do, even if I wake up?

How to make soft idlies?

Many people have asked me this questions before. SO I finally decided to post this, so from now, I can just send them a link:

It took me a while to figure out idlies - so don't be disheartened if they don't come out well the first few times. I use a counter-top grinder. You can buy them for $250 here. They ship it home and its very convenient. I just couldn't make good ones with mixie/blender. The batter is always rubbery when I use a blender.

The ratio is 4 cups of idly rice and 1 cup of white whole urad dal. From my experience, the two most important thing to get good idlies are
1) Idly rice - just any parboiled rice do not give soft idlies. Get idly rice from the Indian store. Any brand would do. They have to be short and fat.
2) How you grind urad dal - there is a point after grinding it for 20 minutes in the grinder when the volume of the urad dal increses to twice or thrice of what you started. When u put a spoon, it wont stick to it. Thats when u need to stop. This is the trick to make fluffy idlies.

Soak urad dal and rice seperately for 3 hours.
First grind urad dal as mentioned above. Remove it from the grinder.
Grind rice till its smooth - it can be a little grainy - it doesnt matter. Grind for above 20 minutes with adequate water.
When the rice is done, add the urad dal batter to the rice batter and let it spin in the grinder for a minute - so they mix properly. Also add salt at this stage.

Store the batter inside the oevn. I prehead the over to 125 degrees - and turn it off - and put the batter in the oven. It takes me 1.5 days or two nights for the batter to ferment. You can heat the oven to 125 degrees for 5 minutes and turn it off every day while the batter is inside - it quickens the fermenting process.

There are also little secerts that no one really tells you. You should store the batter in multiple batches. You HAVE to use the entire batch on one day to make idlies. Lets say you use half of the batter and store the rest, you wont get soft idlies the next time u use it. Its like some bonds are formed between the molecules - you have to make idlies as soon as u use a spoon and mix it all up. Else you wont get soft idlies the next day. So what I do is, I divide the batter into three batches. When they ferment, I put them in fridge without mixing it. I mix the batter with a spoon only before making idlies. I completely use one batch at a time. If there is extra batter, I make idlies and freeze it. Microwaving the frozen idlies will be as good as making them fresh.

Also, I have a special pan for making idly - where you use a cloth on top of the idly plate and put the batter on the cloth. So there is NO oil at all. Its just steam. And these idlies are better when frozen and micro-waved later. But you can make only 6 idlies at a time. I felt idlies made with this pan was usually softer than the ones from pressure cooker.

I make fresh batter almost every week. With these tricks in place, I really have to try hard to screw up idlies anymore ;-)

Blink

You are happy one minute and don't feel so good the next minute. Now will your world fall apart after you don't feel so good depends on a lot of things. Makes you wonder, what you work for all you life? What relationship did you build all these years? Are people meant to be rational? Does offering a rational solution to ALL the problems really solve the problems? Or does it trivialize the problems? Do people really want to solve their problems? Or maybe they want to have some moderate amount of problems to keep the mind occupied? Can all the problems be outsourced or can money be thrown at it? Well, for the most part yes. But then there is core that people need to believe in; trust in that someone is going to stand by you, irrespective of how irrational you are. Not for long - maybe a couple of days once in three months. People who want to hear you blabbering about your irrational worries and problems in life - not because it will take longer to solve 3 days from now - but because they really want to relate to you. Do you want let someone affect you like that? Do you want let someone bother you by not coming home on time, by not remembering something thats important to you? Or do you always want to protect yourself from everyone - isn;t that easier? No expectations - whatesoever - but is it worth it? What does it feel like to come home to an empty house and cook alone and watch TV alone and go to bed alone? Is it all worth it? Why not let that person come closer a little bit - let them affect you a little bit - let that one tear off for them? Why not?

"Open issues" - my friend calls it1 i am in Marital Bliss.

What is it?

I decided to stay at home instead of going to work for 3 days when Karu is gone India - hmm, not without feeling guilty. But I really enjoyed it. I also realized I would not want to do it everyday. Once in a while, a break is good. On one hand, I do not want the lifestyle of going to work everyday. On the other hand, I crave for crazy deadlines and feeling mentally exhausted from work. What is it that I want? Why this inertia to do stuff? I do like my job. I love it when I meet some deadline or fix a bug. But why doesn't it setup a positive feedback loop to do more. This is a total contradiction to human existence. We must do what makes me happy. The kind of crap I do, when I am not working is office not even close to how exciting my work is. I need to figure this out. I understand, end of the day, I want to keep my hands full, balancing both work and family. One without the other may not keep me occupied enough to be happy. How many ever times, I say out, I still don't know what causes this inertia. I hope to figure this out.